If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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