It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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