Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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