Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he just fucked me for my cheese..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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