Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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