your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
