remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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