Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
