Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize