My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
All the doctor said was why
Randomize