I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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