I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
