i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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