Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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