You just made me feel so damn special
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
