i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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