dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
