The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
