so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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