life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
