Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
