my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
