Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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