You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
