I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize