I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize