why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
