you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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