I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
