People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
