The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
