Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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