This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
