i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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