i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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