How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
