The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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