Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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