Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
