it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
