All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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