im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
