I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
