A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize