My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
