Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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