ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
