i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize