Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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