First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
