my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize