half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
