I am in a vortex of obligation.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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