The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
