I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize