the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
