Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
