if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
