Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
