dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
