She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
