He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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