You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
