Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
